Celebrating the difficult days of the past

Today I am celebrating the last two months, really seeing the difficulties and the dark times, accepting my actions and thoughts. Celebrating and accepting myself.

The last two months have been, well, interesting. A journey through my beliefs, and the beginning of a connection with my body. A revelation in what drives my thought processes, and a stripping away of some illusions.

Happily, the rainbows and the unicorns remain. Because, really, without unicorns, why bother?

Further, as I have journeyed - well, more accurately, as I have traversed this leg of the journey - I have made connections to the further past. Through the last seven years, and even to the life before the heart attack.

Wow, I am one complex chick.

I wanted to say that I was practicing gratitude, today. I wanted to say I was so very grateful for the experience of the last two months, for reaching the pit of despair and coming back again. For having an opportunity to be in a place where I really needed all my tools, and where I sometimes didn't have the strength or the brain power to implement them.

For giving me the experience to really understand and connect with others.

But frankly, I am not yet grateful. I am still processing that past. My actions and reactions.  Choices. Consequences. The world being what it is in this time and this place. I am still accepting why things were the way they were. And releasing any judgment that automatically tries to hammer down.

But I am celebrating. With tears and laughter and writing and reading. And walking in the park. And taking a break to fulfill responsibilities.

I am celebrating with awe that I am in a clear enough place to look back and see some cause and effect. Amazement that I am actually closer to the door of the outside than to the door of the dungeon.

And I AM grateful, to all of those who came through the journey with me, who helped by living their truths and being themselves to the best of their ability. I am grateful to the unicorns and spiritual beings who bore me up  And I am grateful to myself, for being smart enough to continue reaching out to them. I am grateful to you, for being a place/person/being to bear witness.

Today I am celebrating the past. The glory, the horror. I am giving it its due. I am showcasing the nuggets of truth I have unearthed, and I am honoring every laugh and every tear.

This may take a while.

I hope you're having a great day / week/ month / year.
-Lila

listen to myself

Today I am going to listen to myself - no matter how sad the answer makes me.

Some time back, I attended a webinar by Amy Ahlers - The Wake Up Call Coach.  She taught about the "full body yes".  It was interesting.

Today, I took time off of other projects to attend yet another Webinar - 6 Figure Blogging Secrets. (from Learntoblog.com)  I was kind of excited, even though I've already said I wasn't in the zone for "Professional writing" right now. I like blogging (obviously). I like sharing. I thought something would hit a button.

Yeah, well, the button that was hit was a full body NO! The further we got into the webinar, the more sad and frustrated I felt. It didn't inspire me at all. It didn't speak to anything in me.

I think it was an excellent presentation - there was audience participation; the slides showed exactly what he was saying; and I stayed interested in the training until the end.

But at the end, I was done. I am done. The weekly rune reading has already been fulfilled. Whatever my writing holds for me, however it will feed me, it's not through intentionally focusing and pushing my blogs.

Because that does not bring me joy.

Today I am going to listen to myself. And all the advise I would give to anyone else - which is, celebrate the choices, accept the truth of the moment, and move on.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

Embracing Myself

Today I shall embrace myself. And that means, all of myself.

Chances are, if you know me, you think I'm pretty nice. Heck, I have a whole yearbook full of "nice." And, I usually think I'm pretty nice too.

But when things get funky in my world, which usually means health or finances, I find there are some  murky thoughts lurking underneath the nice. Not the conscious thoughts, but the ones that wander in when I'm drifting off to sleep, or the random images during meditation. They're kind of dark, or (worse) plebian and mundane.

The other day, Jeff Foster posted an excellent thought on Facebook... the gist of which was - Don't try to fix yourself; just hold yourself "in the loving arms of present awareness." (the full thought is on the picture of the baby, at the Jeff Foster FB page.)

And today, I realized that applies to me. I've been trying to shove away the thought patterns I don't like. Or skirt them. Or stomp them out or drown them with glitter. But they are my thoughts. They are my gremlins and viruses and grumbles and fears.

What would I do for anyone else who felt icky? Grumpy? Grumbly? Unsparkly? I would offer them a hug. And gods know I crave hugs.

So, what is my best move to help myself? Give myself a hug.

Like the emotion of Sadness in Inside Out, I don't need to abolish any of these thoughts, feelings. They are a part of me, and they let me know what's going on. I accept them.

Every dark thought, every boring film that plays in my mind, every part of me that watches the slow tick of the clock... I am hugging all of them. All of me. 

I embrace myself.

And....we're expressing our pain.

Okay - I have to start this post with EEEEk!

What have I been doing with myself? It feels like I've been working as much as I can, to the best of my ability, but, but, but...

Suddenly I have over 100 emails in my in box. AAAARGGGHH! It's enough to send me back under the covers.

If the covers were a comfortable place, that is.

Admission - I've been discovering the joy and wonder of the CPAP machine. Have I discussed this yet? If I were one to use words of discouragement and disdain, I would say the CPAP machine blows!

And, yeah, that's actually true. At least the type of machine I have blows. It also sucks, if I understand the working of it. It sucks air in over a reservoir of water (to filter, I assume. I suppose I should look at my owner's manual) and then it blows said air up through the tube and into the nostrils of the wearer.

And I, who have an aversion to being hooked to machines (and many pieces of paper stating that fact,) I submit myself to this invasive torture every night.

Supposedly, this will not only reduce the snoring, which I've been told is quite, um, evident, but it will get more oxygen to my brain, and help my heart health, and maybe even improve my digestion.

If I survive the adjustment process.

4 to 6 weeks to get used to it, the tech said. We're at the end of week 4.
I thought my brain was becoming more alert, actually, but that benefit has been offset by the sleep deprivation.
I think I have finally started sleeping well, but once I wake up, I can't get back to sleep, with or without the contraption.
I miss the days of sleeping through my alarm - though I did express a wish to start getting up at 5 am. I thought I would be more productive. Uh huh.

That's why it's called practice, Lila. (Oh, yeah. Thank you.)

The reason for this diatribe is to explain - to myself? - why I have been having difficulty even facing the emails. Too much information! All lined up in rows. It hurts my brain.

To further confound me, many of these emails are about opportunities and thoughts on possible happy work paths. Writing thoughts and workshop thoughts and entrepenuers and positivity and AAAAAAGHHHH!! again.

How do I know what to do? What do I want to do? Do I have to pick something? If they all sound great, but none of them sound AWESOME have I simply not found the right thing yet? Oh, happiness coach! I need an appointment.

And now I've spent the 1/2 an hour of email time writing this post. Hmm. I think I'd rather be writing than reading about opportunities for writing. (Something to think about, Lila?)

So, today I am practicing being honest with myself about what I'm feeling, and my frustrations. And I'm practicing moving forward, one step at a time.

And I am practicing my happiness. Because, to quote Martha Beck, "I have everything I need to exist in this moment." A keyboard, a blog, a glass of water, and a quiet space to write.

I wonder if I could take a nap here. Is snoring in the quiet place of the library rude?

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila