I Am

Today I am going to practice being. Just being.

I'm pretty sure I've practiced this before.

But it takes a lot of focus, strangely, to just be.

Not to be a specific thing. Not to have the shield of purpose or the armor of occupational identity. Just to be.

Not even to be me, Lila Allen, with all the labels and adjectives I have accumulated over the years.

Just to be.

Today, I am.

Not beating the horse

Today I am going to practice not beating the horse.

I realize the phrase is "not beating a dead horse", but my horse is very much alive, thank you. Or my boat, car, unicorn, river... whatever vehicle is carrying my through this part of life's journey. It is alive and well, and it knows where I'm going. It is picking it's way along the path. All I have to do is be aware and open to the experience.

So, today I am going to practice allowing myself to be carried. Allowing myself to be in the moment. Allowing myself to receive information from the moment.

Today I am going to practice NOT drumming my heels against the horse's flank; NOT urging it to go faster, trying to reach something I recognize; NOT trying to puzzle out the destination. And NOT creating huge plans on possibilities.

We are all going through transformations. Every moment we are all learning and choosing. And some things we cannot know or be part of until someone else has made their choice. The truth of the moment changes by moment. And frankly, for me, when I try and connect with something too far in the future, I get a headache and I have to lie down and nothing gets done,

So I am going to relax. And allow myself to be carried forward. And make the decisions that need to be made in the moment. And try things that come up. And not try others.

And I am NOT going to beat the horse.

I hope you have a great day!
-Lila

Celebrating the difficult days of the past

Today I am celebrating the last two months, really seeing the difficulties and the dark times, accepting my actions and thoughts. Celebrating and accepting myself.

The last two months have been, well, interesting. A journey through my beliefs, and the beginning of a connection with my body. A revelation in what drives my thought processes, and a stripping away of some illusions.

Happily, the rainbows and the unicorns remain. Because, really, without unicorns, why bother?

Further, as I have journeyed - well, more accurately, as I have traversed this leg of the journey - I have made connections to the further past. Through the last seven years, and even to the life before the heart attack.

Wow, I am one complex chick.

I wanted to say that I was practicing gratitude, today. I wanted to say I was so very grateful for the experience of the last two months, for reaching the pit of despair and coming back again. For having an opportunity to be in a place where I really needed all my tools, and where I sometimes didn't have the strength or the brain power to implement them.

For giving me the experience to really understand and connect with others.

But frankly, I am not yet grateful. I am still processing that past. My actions and reactions.  Choices. Consequences. The world being what it is in this time and this place. I am still accepting why things were the way they were. And releasing any judgment that automatically tries to hammer down.

But I am celebrating. With tears and laughter and writing and reading. And walking in the park. And taking a break to fulfill responsibilities.

I am celebrating with awe that I am in a clear enough place to look back and see some cause and effect. Amazement that I am actually closer to the door of the outside than to the door of the dungeon.

And I AM grateful, to all of those who came through the journey with me, who helped by living their truths and being themselves to the best of their ability. I am grateful to the unicorns and spiritual beings who bore me up  And I am grateful to myself, for being smart enough to continue reaching out to them. I am grateful to you, for being a place/person/being to bear witness.

Today I am celebrating the past. The glory, the horror. I am giving it its due. I am showcasing the nuggets of truth I have unearthed, and I am honoring every laugh and every tear.

This may take a while.

I hope you're having a great day / week/ month / year.
-Lila

listen to myself

Today I am going to listen to myself - no matter how sad the answer makes me.

Some time back, I attended a webinar by Amy Ahlers - The Wake Up Call Coach.  She taught about the "full body yes".  It was interesting.

Today, I took time off of other projects to attend yet another Webinar - 6 Figure Blogging Secrets. (from Learntoblog.com)  I was kind of excited, even though I've already said I wasn't in the zone for "Professional writing" right now. I like blogging (obviously). I like sharing. I thought something would hit a button.

Yeah, well, the button that was hit was a full body NO! The further we got into the webinar, the more sad and frustrated I felt. It didn't inspire me at all. It didn't speak to anything in me.

I think it was an excellent presentation - there was audience participation; the slides showed exactly what he was saying; and I stayed interested in the training until the end.

But at the end, I was done. I am done. The weekly rune reading has already been fulfilled. Whatever my writing holds for me, however it will feed me, it's not through intentionally focusing and pushing my blogs.

Because that does not bring me joy.

Today I am going to listen to myself. And all the advise I would give to anyone else - which is, celebrate the choices, accept the truth of the moment, and move on.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

Embracing Myself

Today I shall embrace myself. And that means, all of myself.

Chances are, if you know me, you think I'm pretty nice. Heck, I have a whole yearbook full of "nice." And, I usually think I'm pretty nice too.

But when things get funky in my world, which usually means health or finances, I find there are some  murky thoughts lurking underneath the nice. Not the conscious thoughts, but the ones that wander in when I'm drifting off to sleep, or the random images during meditation. They're kind of dark, or (worse) plebian and mundane.

The other day, Jeff Foster posted an excellent thought on Facebook... the gist of which was - Don't try to fix yourself; just hold yourself "in the loving arms of present awareness." (the full thought is on the picture of the baby, at the Jeff Foster FB page.)

And today, I realized that applies to me. I've been trying to shove away the thought patterns I don't like. Or skirt them. Or stomp them out or drown them with glitter. But they are my thoughts. They are my gremlins and viruses and grumbles and fears.

What would I do for anyone else who felt icky? Grumpy? Grumbly? Unsparkly? I would offer them a hug. And gods know I crave hugs.

So, what is my best move to help myself? Give myself a hug.

Like the emotion of Sadness in Inside Out, I don't need to abolish any of these thoughts, feelings. They are a part of me, and they let me know what's going on. I accept them.

Every dark thought, every boring film that plays in my mind, every part of me that watches the slow tick of the clock... I am hugging all of them. All of me. 

I embrace myself.

And....we're expressing our pain.

Okay - I have to start this post with EEEEk!

What have I been doing with myself? It feels like I've been working as much as I can, to the best of my ability, but, but, but...

Suddenly I have over 100 emails in my in box. AAAARGGGHH! It's enough to send me back under the covers.

If the covers were a comfortable place, that is.

Admission - I've been discovering the joy and wonder of the CPAP machine. Have I discussed this yet? If I were one to use words of discouragement and disdain, I would say the CPAP machine blows!

And, yeah, that's actually true. At least the type of machine I have blows. It also sucks, if I understand the working of it. It sucks air in over a reservoir of water (to filter, I assume. I suppose I should look at my owner's manual) and then it blows said air up through the tube and into the nostrils of the wearer.

And I, who have an aversion to being hooked to machines (and many pieces of paper stating that fact,) I submit myself to this invasive torture every night.

Supposedly, this will not only reduce the snoring, which I've been told is quite, um, evident, but it will get more oxygen to my brain, and help my heart health, and maybe even improve my digestion.

If I survive the adjustment process.

4 to 6 weeks to get used to it, the tech said. We're at the end of week 4.
I thought my brain was becoming more alert, actually, but that benefit has been offset by the sleep deprivation.
I think I have finally started sleeping well, but once I wake up, I can't get back to sleep, with or without the contraption.
I miss the days of sleeping through my alarm - though I did express a wish to start getting up at 5 am. I thought I would be more productive. Uh huh.

That's why it's called practice, Lila. (Oh, yeah. Thank you.)

The reason for this diatribe is to explain - to myself? - why I have been having difficulty even facing the emails. Too much information! All lined up in rows. It hurts my brain.

To further confound me, many of these emails are about opportunities and thoughts on possible happy work paths. Writing thoughts and workshop thoughts and entrepenuers and positivity and AAAAAAGHHHH!! again.

How do I know what to do? What do I want to do? Do I have to pick something? If they all sound great, but none of them sound AWESOME have I simply not found the right thing yet? Oh, happiness coach! I need an appointment.

And now I've spent the 1/2 an hour of email time writing this post. Hmm. I think I'd rather be writing than reading about opportunities for writing. (Something to think about, Lila?)

So, today I am practicing being honest with myself about what I'm feeling, and my frustrations. And I'm practicing moving forward, one step at a time.

And I am practicing my happiness. Because, to quote Martha Beck, "I have everything I need to exist in this moment." A keyboard, a blog, a glass of water, and a quiet space to write.

I wonder if I could take a nap here. Is snoring in the quiet place of the library rude?

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

The Resume's the thing

Today I am going to rework my resume.

I have recently sent out my old resume. And I realized, as I pushed submit, that my resume actually has nothing to do with me anymore. It says very little about the work I really want to do; it shows neither the reader nor myself any of my awesome talents.

So I have secured a book from the library The Career Coward's Guide to Resumes (by Katy Piotrowski, M. Ed.) and already I am impressed. On page 7 it says, "I'd like you to think like a marketer aiming to sell a big-ticket item - yourself! - to a qualified buyer."

And wow, do I like that. Because that is total happiness practice right there. Looking at myself as a valuable product; looking at my skills as big ticket items.

So, today I am going to work on my resume. I hope we'll see the results in my website very shortly.

Doing what I want

Today I am practicing doing what I want - fulfilling my self imposed goals.

It can be pretty easy to tell myself, oh, you're feeling tired. Stop and take a break.

But I have noticed that sometimes taking a break doesn't feel good. It feels antsy. Like I want to be doing something else.

So today I am doing what I want.
 I am going outside (though only for a little while because it is COLD.)
 And I am writing a romance for 30 minutes.
 And I am going to change the sheets on the bed.
 And I'm going to start changing my resume.
 And I'm going to post this.
 And I am going to take a break, when I have done the things I want to have done. Because then, it'll be okay to sit. And snuggle. And start planning tomorrow.

Today I am going to do what I want. Because what I want brings me happiness.

Yay me!

I hope you're doing what you want, too.

Moving Forward

Today, I am not going to start over. I am not going to try and go back to the beginning. I am not going to pull out a clean sheet of paper and do it again.

Today I am going to move forward.

I am going to make corrections.

I am going to work with what I have.

I am going to look at my life straight on, see it for what it is, and turn it into something more beautiful to me.

Today, instead of starting over, I am moving forward.

-L

The Little Things

Today I am going to focus on the little things.

You might even say I'm going to sweat the small stuff.

Because everything is made up of small stuff.
Big journeys are traversed one step at a time.
Stories are created one detail at a time.
Transformation is lived through one moment at a time.

Life is loved one breath at a time.

So I am going to focus on the breath, the moment, the detail, the step. I am going to give my all to each little thing.

We are the sum of our parts. If the little things align with my happiness, the big thing will naturally bring happiness too.

I hope you have a great collection of moments!
-Lila

One thing at a time

Even though my brain runs with ideas, I can only do one thing at a time.

Even though I have 25 different ways to bring in money, I can only do one thing at a time.

Even though I want to read and write and do the housework, I can only do one thing at a time.

When I accept this, we'll move on to figuring out which thing is the one thing. At which time.

Dealing with Different

Today I am practicing dealing with different.
Not running away.
Not freaking out.
Definitely not judging before I figure out if it adds to or subtracts from my happiness.
Simply dealing.

Last night I had a semi-successful session with a CPAP machine (I actually drooled on my pillow. It's been so long!) Between that and the chiropractor, today I feel different.

My lungs, my head, my whole body feels different.

It is not painful.
It is uncomfortable.

And, as an adulting happiness practitioner, I know that uncomfortable is not necessarily harmful. Is it, well, just different.
And I know that eventually this feeling of "different" will pass. It simply requires a new awareness until it becomes part of usual.

I may move slower today. I may take more time to write a simple post, or even to formulate a sentence. I may require more rests, or I might want to wear my jammies all day.

But the "dealing with it" part means I am going to move through today. I am going to write this post, and do other writing work, and chores.They will be clean jammies.

Different is not a distraction. It is not an immediate need to go back under the covers. It is simply different. It is something that will become usual.
And my work feeds my happiness.

So today, (and probably tomorrow and tomorrow...) I will be dealing with different.

I hope you have a great day!
-Lila

Release myself

Today I am going to allow myself to have adventures; I am going to release myself from the prison of my fears.

As I was laying on the warm table at a new chiropractor's office, I was reflecting upon some of things he'd told me about how I was holding myself. And how long it takes to change habits. And I realized I had been caging myself in.

I have health issues. (I guess that is a part of the adulting - accepting what is, and being able to say it out loud.) And some of these issues have probably been issues since I was young. But back then, you had to be bleeding to know something was wrong.

Snoring was snoring. People were weak or strong. Wimpy or painless. Hyper or lazy.

Now we know how much the chemistry in our bodies contributes to our attitudes and our actions. Now we know that there is so much more going on in there than just a simple intact and outflow.

But the fear of my health issues has been caging me in. (Hmm, rephrase.) My concern over my health issues has dictated that I stay in. Don't go beyond the "safe" limits. Live in fear.

But staying inside, trapped, confined, at the mercy of someone else's decisions, that's a fearful thing to.

So today, after the table warmed me and massaged my lower back (Love this chiropractor!) I decided, I didn't want to live in fear. Or caged, by my issues. If I know what the results are, or the concerns are, I can prepare for them. But I'm not going to stay inside just because I'm afraid of the cold.

And I'm not going to freak out on the what if's just because I something new might happen. Who knows?

I am going to release....

I AM releasing myself to experience wonderful stuff, to heal slowly and easily, and to be free of the cage.

I hope that made sense, cuz this was a fly by post, and I'm not even editing. Too much to do today!

I hope you have a great one!
-Lila

Adulting - Does it align with what I want?

Today I am setting goals (am going to start the practice of setting goals) and part of that goal setting is asking myself - does this goal match what I really want?

That's a huge question right there. What do I want? And of course, my favorite line from Into the Woods, "How can you know what you want till you get what you want and you see if you like it?" ("He's a Very Nice Prince", Act 1).

At this point in my life, one thing I know - okay, one thing I think I know, is what I like. Let's hijack a cliche. "I don't know happiness, but I know what I like."

And what do I like? I like contentment. I like the feeling that one day follows another, and everything is sailing along beautifully. I like the feeling that all the difficulties and frustrations are just about life, because I'm doing what I want to be doing, loving my work and my people and my life, and it's one big ball of sunshiny happy.

How do I know I like this? (Which would be like testing the hypothesis, yes?)

Because it's what I'm drawn to. The shows I like to watch, the ones that feed me, that calm me at the end of the day, my fluffy blanket shows - are about people just doing their daily thing, living their lives with joy and contentment. Girl Meets World, Phineas and Ferb. Small, sweet, tame shows. No monsters, no soap opera drama other than the daily lives and loves as people grow.
Okay, I grant you, Phineas and Ferb actually does have some superhero adventure (dooby, dooby, doo-by) but since it's a cartoon, and it could all be part of the young boys' imaginations, it doesn't bother me.

Yes, I like to watch adventure movies, and I am a fan of Joss Whedon, but for what I want my life to feel like? It's calm, humorous, "average" daily lives, all the way.

And as for my reading! Straight to Louisa May Alcott. The most marvelous things happen in her books. People, real people, calm people, have their daily lives, have obstacles in love and life, and they keep moving forward with help from friends and the Divine. Average people, doing their work, and moving contentedly through life.

And yes, I am an avid reader of space opera, and mystery, and I love the supernatural. But, when I need to reconnect with myself, I find Louisa May Alcott in my hands.

So what I want is to have a simple and contented life. I know I want to write (and possibly teach, counsel, and coach as well.) And sing at bedside, and read and hang out with friends and family, and just enjoy. And travel. Calm and content.

Which means I don't have to be a super star. I don't WANT to be a super star. I'm much too introverted for that. But I can be successful without being a superstar.

Contentedly successful.

That feels good. That feels warm and snuggly.

That's what I want.

I hope you have a great day!
-Lila

Today I shall practice adulting

Today I shall practice adulting. Perhaps even this whole week.

This week's rune reading (LIR 10516 - Self) is about looking around us and seeing where we're at.

Adulting seems to be the same thing. Looking. Asking the questions. Accepting the current answers. Not ignoring sh... stuff. And not waiting and hoping someone else will take care of them.

Adulting may be stepping up.

And Adulting is something I hope to explore further in future posts.

Because in order to work at something, you need to figure out how it works, don't you?

Hmm, so much to think about.

Meanwhile, onto the next thing. Because I want to work. Because I care for myself and my family. Because, because, because.... (nebulous thoughts and lots of expressive arm waving.) Because.

I hope you have a great day!
-lila

Fill the Accounts

Today i am going to focus on the positive abundance of filling the accounts.

Honestly, and I hate to admit this, and I'm sure I've admitted it before, I freak out about money. And the freak out doesn't fit my personal truths, nor does it bring me happiness. But that's the way it is.

And I have been searching and practicing ways to reconcile the fact that I need money, I want money, I have chosen to live in a world that runs through money. Personal beliefs about how the world really SHOULD be run aside, I am currently living in the money run one.

But when one is practicing positive thinking and really feels that when you focus on something you bring it into your reality, it is difficult to figure out how to say "pay the bills." I mean, "Pay the bills" feels heavy - like an obligation. Like drudgery work. Like "I owe my soul to the company store." (Sixteen Tons, by Tennessee Ernie Ford )

And that feeling is antithetical to happiness.

But, it is a fact that I want the electricity to keep flowing, while we work to find a better means of power. I do want food on my table while I practice more healthy and organic ways of feeding myself. I do want to continue in our beautiful apartment, with the gorgeous view and the nurturing embrace of the mountains, while I help create a better place in which to live.
And yeah, I'm an American, so I do have credit cards.

So how do I visual paying off all those expenditures in a way that aligns with happiness, abundance, prosperity and, most of all, away from the feeling that money is associated with drudgery?

I fill the accounts.

I fill the credit card accounts with available credit.
I fill the electric account and I get energy.
I fill the rent account, and I have a roof over my head.
I fill the checking accounts - which allows for many different sources of money flowing in. And then, I fill the savings accounts, and the insurance accounts, and the tax accounts, and the food accounts.

I fill the accounts. And then I receive from the accounts. And then I fill my own energy. Then I send stuff out. Then I fill the accounts.

Energy flows.
Life flows.
Totally in sync with my view of reality, and money, and work, and happiness, and living in this world.

May our accounts always be filling!

-Lila