And....we're expressing our pain.

Okay - I have to start this post with EEEEk!

What have I been doing with myself? It feels like I've been working as much as I can, to the best of my ability, but, but, but...

Suddenly I have over 100 emails in my in box. AAAARGGGHH! It's enough to send me back under the covers.

If the covers were a comfortable place, that is.

Admission - I've been discovering the joy and wonder of the CPAP machine. Have I discussed this yet? If I were one to use words of discouragement and disdain, I would say the CPAP machine blows!

And, yeah, that's actually true. At least the type of machine I have blows. It also sucks, if I understand the working of it. It sucks air in over a reservoir of water (to filter, I assume. I suppose I should look at my owner's manual) and then it blows said air up through the tube and into the nostrils of the wearer.

And I, who have an aversion to being hooked to machines (and many pieces of paper stating that fact,) I submit myself to this invasive torture every night.

Supposedly, this will not only reduce the snoring, which I've been told is quite, um, evident, but it will get more oxygen to my brain, and help my heart health, and maybe even improve my digestion.

If I survive the adjustment process.

4 to 6 weeks to get used to it, the tech said. We're at the end of week 4.
I thought my brain was becoming more alert, actually, but that benefit has been offset by the sleep deprivation.
I think I have finally started sleeping well, but once I wake up, I can't get back to sleep, with or without the contraption.
I miss the days of sleeping through my alarm - though I did express a wish to start getting up at 5 am. I thought I would be more productive. Uh huh.

That's why it's called practice, Lila. (Oh, yeah. Thank you.)

The reason for this diatribe is to explain - to myself? - why I have been having difficulty even facing the emails. Too much information! All lined up in rows. It hurts my brain.

To further confound me, many of these emails are about opportunities and thoughts on possible happy work paths. Writing thoughts and workshop thoughts and entrepenuers and positivity and AAAAAAGHHHH!! again.

How do I know what to do? What do I want to do? Do I have to pick something? If they all sound great, but none of them sound AWESOME have I simply not found the right thing yet? Oh, happiness coach! I need an appointment.

And now I've spent the 1/2 an hour of email time writing this post. Hmm. I think I'd rather be writing than reading about opportunities for writing. (Something to think about, Lila?)

So, today I am practicing being honest with myself about what I'm feeling, and my frustrations. And I'm practicing moving forward, one step at a time.

And I am practicing my happiness. Because, to quote Martha Beck, "I have everything I need to exist in this moment." A keyboard, a blog, a glass of water, and a quiet space to write.

I wonder if I could take a nap here. Is snoring in the quiet place of the library rude?

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

15 minutes

Let us not begin again, but let us continue forward. And try to do all the things we love, every day. Even if it is just 15 minutes.

Hello! And welcome to a new set of thoughts. This is going to be stream of consciousness (at least today.)

I have been having great frustration because there are SO many things I want to do. I am one of those people who has a project list, where Project means "an activity requiring many hours, lots of organization, multiple tools, and at least 3 dance breaks." And the activities that qualify as projects aren't even on my daily to do list!

I started a new form of organization - reading a book called Getting Things Done. And the author, David Allen, said (and I paraphrase) - write everything down; every impulse; gather it all in one place, and then decide what the next step is."

So, for the last year I have been practicing the writing down and sorting process. Oh, I'm feeling so accomplished.

But I still aren't getting nothing done.

Of course there's the writing thing. To feel professional, one must give the writing the focus and attention one would give any job.

I did that solid for one month. I felt so accomplished! But, I realized the administrative part of my life wasn't getting done. And when I tried to meld the two, my brain (my productivity) went caplooie!

Or at least it felt like it.

I have been running round in circles trying to feel productive, and feel like I'm bringing in as much money as the energy I expend (okay, or even any at all.)

And I do NOT want to give up my chosen activities for the "JOB". Blech. 

So how do I balance it all?

Well, I don't know yet. But today's practice involves doing things in 15 minute bites.

This is not a new idea. I had it myself, a long time ago, when I was trying to emulate my mother in being a housewife AND an artist. "Just 15 minutes," I would say to myself. "I only have to clean, fold, straighten, organize, iron, scrub, whatever for 15 minutes." 

And recently, I started "following" Sam Bennet (I think that's her name - no I have not edited this yet, I only have 15 minutes!). Sam Bennet has a book about getting things done (creatively) in 15 minutes a day.

So today I have been/am breaking down all the activities I want to do today into 15 minute blocks. from exercise to paying bills, from submitting stories to writing this. `15 minutes.

No, it does not feel like one can get anything done in 15 minutes. It really doesn't. Especially if you (i) do it fairly, and include the set up in that 15 minutes.

Happily, it turns out, the thing that took longest to set up was the Wii station for exercise...

AND THAT's my 15 minutes! It shall be interesting to see what, if anything, this blog turns into.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila